Author: Shelly

No new artwork, because my studio is still a gawdawful mess. I may actually have a chance to remedy that this weekend, but I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath or anything. I have, however, been hard at work, watching a ludicrous number of home improvement shows. HGTV and I are BFF, dontchaknow?

Anyway, something I’ve noticed, and that annoys the crap out of me, is the way folks paint. Now, we’re talking about interior house painting, not art painting, but the main principle is the same. Basically, what you see on most home improvement shows is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrongity, wrong-wrong. I had the fortune (or misfortune, depending on your perspective) of being taught how to paint by my ex-stepfather, who in turn learned to paint from his father. The family business was house painting and wall papering, so.

1. If your roller is making sucking noises, it is way too dry.
2. If your roller is splattering flecks of paint all over the place, it is way too dry.
3. Invariably, the rollers pictured on teevee are TOO EFFING DRY. Do not fear the paint, folks. By not loading the roller with enough paint, you are just creating more work for yourselves. A lot more work. If nothing else, painting with a too dry roller will fling paint all over the place, which makes clean up a giant pain in the ass. Done correctly, you should be able to paint both the walls and ceiling without getting paint on the floor, yourself, or even any specks on your glasses.
4. Do not roll in a haphazard, criss-cross pattern. You should always roll from top to bottom, in overlapping, vertical strokes.
5. Rolling from top to bottom will alleviate the splatter problem (though there oughtn’t be a spatter problem, if your roller is properly loaded), as any paint that does spatter will spatter toward the wall. Physics is our friend, folks.
6. Rolling in an overlapping, vertical pattern will provide the best coverage. The roller will apply the thickest paint toward the end where it attaches to the handle, because that is where the pressure is greatest.
7. Any time you go over an already painted area, you are actually removing paint, not applying it. Why anyone would want to spend hours and hours rolling paint off a wall is a mystery to me, but maybe that’s how some folks get their kicks. Not me, though. I actually enjoy interior house painting, but I don’t see the point in creating more work for myself.
8. By overlapping the edges of each rolled section, you will match heavy to light, creating an even application of paint.

Not that I think this will actually be of help to anyone. I just thought I’d explain why home improvement shows–which I otherwise find irresistible–tend to make my hair hurt.

I’m still in the process of unpacking and arranging and rearranging and rearranging and rearranging furniture. This is a process that I fear might very well have no end.

A couple of weekends ago, I was suddenly motivated to try a different television set-up. I wanted to try placing the TV on a shelf unit because it would provide more space for stereo equipment and speakers. Turns out, that wasn’t one of my more intelligent decorating decisions. After I spent an hour or so putting the shelving unit together and moving the equipment onto it, I got sidetracked doing other stuff and turned off the TV without having given the picture a good look. I assumed all was well, which as it turns out, was a little foolish on my part. A few days later, I sat down to watch television and noticed a weird green tinge along the right-hand edge of the picture. I assumed I’d bumped the TV and damaged it when I moved it. A new TV is notnotnot in my budget right now, so I was right some Jesus cranky about it. Hrmf!

Then, last weekend, I was describing the problem to a friend. I told her that it was as if all the colors along the right-hand edge of the screen had been polarized, because they were opposite of what they were supposed to be. Then, it hit me. Duh! Polarization! I had placed a fairly large speaker above the TV. A fairly large speaker containing a fairly large woofer containing a fairly large magnet. I removed the speaker, and everything went back to normal. Huzzah!

The moral of that story is two-fold. First, sometimes it’s best to listen to your lazy inner voice when it tells you to sit on your ass and watch television instead of rearranging furniture. Second, don’t place speakers in close proximity to your TV.

One thing I hadn’t fully appreciated the importance of, moving-wise, was the fallout of changing my phone number. Getting a new phone number is one of those minor pains in the arse. Or, at least, it ought to be a minor pain in the arse. What I had not accounted for was that I’d suddenly not be on the state and national Do Not Call lists. Ugh!

I have been inundated with calls from The Chicago Tribune, The Indianapolis Star, The Herald-Times, MCI, and some others I’ve forgotten. The aforementioned stand out for their persistence. MCI has been calling about every two hours since last Wednesday. The newspapers have each been calling a least twice a day. MCI is the one that’s about to shred my last nerve, though. They called at the crack of dawn this morning. I know Mondays are work days for most people, but it was my one day to sleep in this week, and I was exhausted and really needing to play catch-up. Assholes!

Of course, I re-signed up for both DNC lists, but they won’t go into effect until early next year. Hrmf. The only halfway positive thing I can say is thank God for caller ID. Even so, I’m about ready to turn the ringers off, just so I don’t have to deal with it. It certainly does not help that I think the telephone is one of the most loathsome inventions EVAR. Really. I friggin’ hate the telephone.