Chapter 1, In Which People are Nicer in the Mornings
As I was leaving Bigfoot this morning, after having bought my morning cup o’ drugs, I held the door open for a young guy on crutches. He thanked me, and commented that people were much nicer in the mornings than later in the day. I replied that it was probably because, in the morning, people aren’t awake yet. I thought about it some more as I was driving to work, and it may be true. It also may be that, early in the morning, there have been fewer chances for someone else to ruin our day. As the day progresses, there are more and more things for us to get cranky about.
And, then, as I was driving down 17th street, pondering the life cycle of crankiness, some jerk ran across the road in front of me. I had to slam on my breaks, to keep from hitting him. Hello?! It’s pitch dark outside, Mr. Pedestrian, and you’re wearing black from head to toe. Whyever on earth did you think it would be a good idea to dash out in front of me, when the likelihood of me seeing you was disturbingly close to zero? Asstrumpet!
And that, my dear reader, is how people become cranky.
Chapter 2, In Which I Address Praising Beauty
Awhile back, I was in a discussion with someone who could not understand why I thought praising people for being beautiful was a Very Bad Thing. Sure, everyone likes to be told that they look good, and I think it’s perfectly fine to tell someone, “That’s a great outfit,” or, “I love your hair.” It’s even okay to acknowledge that someone is attractive. However, I think there’s a fine line between that and praising someone for being pretty. Praise should be reserved for things one accomplishes, and attractiveness is not–or, at least, should not be–something to be achieved. Being pretty does not make one morally superior, nor should it be a goal to strive toward. Rewarding it with praise only reinforces the harmful message that people who are attractive are somehow better than others, and that those who feel they are not attractive should go out and do something about it. And we wonder why people abuse food and plastic surgery?
Chapter 3, In Which I Win at Gas Tank Bingo
I stopped for gas on Friday morning. I almost always go to Bigfoot, which usually charges a couple of cents more than the other places in town. However, it’s on the correct side of the road and they carry my favorite fountain drink, so I think it’s worth paying a little bit more. Every once in awhile, though, their fuel prices are actually lower than Casey’s or Speedway. This was one of those occasions. And, it wasn’t just a penny or two, either–it was 12¢ cheaper! This morning, when I drove by, Speedway had gone up to $2.19 and Bigfoot was $2.09. Still cheaper, but not as cheap as yesterday’s $1.96. I win!
Chapter 4, In which Wingnuts Advocate Physical Violence Against Liberals
Bill O’Reilly had Ann Coulter as a guest on his ridiculous talk show. They discussed the eeevilness of Lefty-Pinkos, and why they’re big-mouthed Nazis who should be beaten with baseball bats. WTF?!
O’REILLY: All right. Be careful, Ann. They’re bad people.
COULTER: Thank you.
O’REILLY: They are bad people.
COULTER: They are bad people
O’REILLY: And that’s not an ideological statement. They are bad human beings, doing what they’re doing.
Apparently, liberals are bad, bad, very bad, people who do bad, bad, very bad things. Who knew?! I had no idea that there was something inherently wrong with liberals.
COULTER: I think a baseball bat is the most effective way these days.
As everyone knows, bad, bad, very bad people who do bad, bad, very bad things need to be stopped. At any cost, apparently. Beating the crap out of those who dare to disagree seems to be an acceptable solution. Why wast time talking, when you can resort to physical violence?
COULTER: No, of course not. They’re Nazi block watchers. This is what they’re good at.
O’REILLY: They’re Nazi what?
COULTER: Block watchers, you know. They tattle on their parents, turn them in to the Nazis. They’re little Nazi block watchers.
O’REILLY: See, this is why they don’t want you on CNN there. You’re calling them Nazis. They don’t —
In this staggering bit of irony, Coulter claims that liberals who voice dissent are Nazis (and, don’t forget, that they should be beaten with baseball bats). Funny that, as I seem to recall that it’s fascists, like the Nazis, who commonly resort to physical violence against dissenters.
O’REILLY: Yeah, but on a policy basis, what they’re trying to do on these far-left smear sites is intimidate people with whom they disagree, and then choke off their ability to get their message out. I mean, freedom of speech means nothing to these people. They really want to just bludgeon anybody with whom they disagree, or am I wrong?
Liberals are on a mission to curtail–sorry, bludgeon–free speech? I’m sorry, but how, exactly, has O’Reilly–or any other wingnut mouthpiece, for that matter–been stifled by Lefty-Pinkos? Where does he get this crap?
O’REILLY: OK, but to answer your question, CNN is perceived to be a left-wing outlet, and they don’t like your voice on the left-wing outlet. But, you know, aren’t liberals or far-left people supposed to be champions of freedom of speech? Isn’t that what the ACLU [American Civil Liberties Union] is all about?
My ass! Or O’Reilly’s complete and utter misunderstanding of the concept of censorship. What O’Reilly fails to understand is that a corporation, like CNN, is incapable of censorship. CNN cannot stop O’Reilly or Coulter or anyone else from spewing their bullshit. All CNN can do is refuse to let them do it on their network. If the government or some other institution tried to silence O’Reilly or Coulter, that’d be another matter. That would be censorship. No one is trying to stifle them, though. They’re just being told to peddle their hatemongering elsewhere, which is perfectly reasonable.
I mean, seriously, the fact that O’Reilly and Coulter are on TV, saying what they’re saying, is proof positive that there is no liberal plot to silence wingnut dissent.
Chapter 5, In Which I Complain About Daylight Savings Time
For the last umpty years, Indiana–which is split between two time zones–has eschewed Daylight Saving Time. Most of the state is in the eastern time zone. Included are the counties near Cincinnati OH and Louisville KY, which in the past illegally and unofficially observe DST, in order to keep in synch with the large cities nearby. The extreme northwest and southwest portions of the state are in the central time zone, and legally and officially follow DST. This is all very confusing, but it could be worse. In 1961, the state was split down the middle. In 1967, that bit of legislative stupidity was rectified, moving most of the state to the eastern standard time zone.
Last spring, our governor, Mitch Daniels, pushed for a vote on DST, and it passed. April 2006 will see the reinstatement of DST in Indiana. That’s all well and good (no, not really), but it now appears that up to 17 counties could end up in the central time zone, with the rest of the state observing eastern time. The line has to be drawn somewhere, and, with the possible exception of the counties neighboring the Chicago area, it seems to me that it makes sense to draw it at the state border.
Chapter 6, In Which I Consider Face Transplants
I’m sure that by now, y’all have heard about the French woman who had a face transplant. She’s now awake, and able to talk and eat. I don’t really have any strong opinions on the relative okay-ness of the surgery itself, aside from feeling deep sympathy for the patient. What I do wonder about, though, is the contingency plan, should her body reject the donor tissue. Because, you know, it does happen. The woman is scheduled to have a bone marrow transplant, using the face donor’s marrow, in the hopes that it will reduce the risk of rejection. But, that’s no guarantee, and as far as I can tell, she’ll still have to be on anti-rejection drugs–which are carcinogenic–for the rest of her life.
red paper boat 
