- Pitties. They’re Pit Bulls, or Pit Bull Terriers, not Pitties. It’s bad enough when people baby talk to small children, but doing it to other adults is inexcusable.
- Pitt Bulls. No, they are not related to Brad.
- Dalmation. It’s Dalmatian, like, from Dalmatia.
- German Sheppard. They’re German Shepherd Dogs, because they, well, herd, whereas a Sheppard is a wingnut FOX “news” personality.
- Shepherd. Is that German Shepherd Dog, Australian Shepherd, Belgian Shepherd Dog, Anatolian Shepherd Dog, Central Asian Shepherd Dog, or Pyrenean Shepherd
- Spade/Spaded. It’s spayed, please. Unless, of course, you’ve whacked your dog over the head with a damned shovel, then you can call it a spade.
- Furkids. O ick.
- Skinkids. O ickier.
- My dogs are like my children. Do yourself and your dogs a favor, and treat them like dogs. Children, hopefully, will one day grow up, leave home, and become useful members of human society. Dogs, not so much. (Yes, I know that many dogs are far more useful than certain humans could ever hope to be, but I think you understand my meaning.) By all means, enjoy them and spoil them rotten–the dogs, not the children–but do not forget that they are an alien species, and that they don’t necessarily understand or abide by our rules and customs.
- Doodles. Please don’t get suckered into buying a high-priced mixed breed dog that you can get from the shelter for a paltry adoption fee. I have yet to see evidence that anyone breeding any sort of Poodle mixes are doing so responsibly, so why reward their irresponsible behavior with your hard-earned money? It is far better to obtain your next dog from a shelter or rescue group. You’ll be giving a dog a much needed home without giving crappy breeders incentive to continue churning out more pups for bucks.
- Non-shedding. There is no such thing. If it has hair, it sheds. Furthermore, don’t assume that because it’s low-shedding, that you will not be allergic to it. People are commonly allergic to dog dander, which exists independent of how much the dog sheds.
- Short-hair = Less shedding. True, many short haired dogs have single coats, which means they are easier to groom, but that does not mean they will not drop hair all over your furniture, clothes, carpet, car, etc. Worse, those short hairs that have glued themselves to every surface in your home are likely barbed, so that they work their way into fabric like a hook into a fish’s mouth. In other words, you cannot brush them off your furniture or clothes–they’re stuck there, like cockle burrs.
- Getting rid of your dog because you’re moving. If you can have a dog where you currently live, then surely you can find similar accommodation in your new location.
- My dog bit someone, so I need to find a new home for it. Who in their right minds thinks that’s a good idea? If the dog’s current owner cannot house it safely, then what makes them think that someone else can?
- Free to good home, needs room to run in the country. That’s a spectacularly bad idea. Aside from the risk of being stolen or hit by cars, loose dogs are at risk of being shot or poisoned when they, inevitably, stray onto neighboring property. They are also at risk of being attacked by other dogs or wildlife. It’s never, ever a good idea to allow dogs to run loose. Never mind that “home with room to run in the country” is a myth made up to placate small children by parents who want to dump the family dog at the nearest shelter.
- My lab is 100 lbs of pure muscle. If your Lab truly weighs that much, he’s either a draft horse or he’s morbidly obese.
- My dog is overweight, even though I don’t over-feed him and he gets plenty of exercise. I’m sorry, but barring a medical condition, if your dog is overweight, it is either because he is not receiving enough exercise or because you are feeding him too much. It’s a simple math equation. One thing to keep in mind is that most dog food labels over state the amount of food you should give your dog. If your dog is overweight, try increasing exercise, decreasing the amount of food, and adding low calorie items for bulk (e.g. plain, canned pumpkin, frozen green beans, etc.).
- My dog’s not fat, he’s just big boned. My ass. I’ve seen a lot of overweight dogs whose owners swear they are “just right.” And, how do they know their dogs aren’t overweight? Their vets have said they’re “okay” or they haven’t told them to put the dog on a diet. I’m sorry, but my experience is that many vets either don’t know what a fit dog looks like (they get used to seeing so many overweight dogs that they become acclimated to it) or they are afraid to tell their clients that their dog is a butterball. For example, when compared to the Purina weight chart that hangs in many vet offices, my dog would be underweight, verging on thin (she’s somewhere between 3 and 4). She’s in very good shape, though. If she weighed enough to look like the “ideal” dog, she’d be unhealthily overweight.
- My dog is in heat and I want to breed her to your dog. Um, that’s not possible. And, if it were, I wouldn’t allow it. Besides, if you can’t tell the sex of a docked, short-haired dog, do you really think you have any business breeding?
- My dog is friendly, so it’s okay if he says “Hi” to your dog. No, it’s not okay. My dog is not dog-friendly, and she does not appreciate strange dogs approaching her. Please keep your dog under control and out of my dog’s space.
- My dog is clueless, so it’s okay if your dog kicks his butt. No, that’s not okay, either. It’s not my dog’s job to train your dog not to be a jerk. Please put your dog on a lead, and do whatever you have to to keep him from invading my dog’s space.
- It’s okay if your dog jumps on me, I like it. No, that’s not okay, either. My dog is a Boxer, and the breed is notoriously difficult to train not to jump on people. Every time you allow or encourage her to put her feet on you, you undermine the training I’ve done to stop her from jumping on people. Please, knock it off.
- If you didn’t want me to pet your dog, you shouldn’t have left your car window rolled down. Dude, if you don’t get your arm out of my car, I’m going to call the police. Lowered window or not, you’ve got no right to help yourself to my private property. And that goes double for my dog. Besides, what kind of a jackass sticks his arm into a car to pet a strange dog?
- One little bite won’t hurt anything. Wanna bet? Unless you’re going to be the one stuck in a confined space with my dog, please, for the love of all that’s good in this world, do not give her a bite of your sauerkraut.
Random Dog-related Ranting
red paper boat 